Aditya Kulkarni

Jeeez, they are selling space beer now for around $115…For those of you not in the know, it’s brewed from barley grown in space. I consider it my duty and responsibility to forewarn you people about the evil plan being hatched here.

The barley was grown in space and the mad, evil Russian and Japanese scientists exposed it to floating space microbes. These microbes (i’ll call ‘em mikeys) were thrown in space by a dying planet gone kaput. During this whole time, they have perfected the art of breeding and rapid evolution. According to my detailed and in-depth analysis, each grain of the ‘space barley’ has at least 1 baba mikey and 1, ummmm….babi mikey who have waited millions of years for a oxy-co2 rich planet and favourable conditions to regenerate their populace.

Once a person drinks the beer, the mikeys are gonna breed and evolve and breed and evolve and first eat up that person from the inside. Then they’re gonna wrap their bodies real tight and use the human skin to go shopping in big bazaar and D-mart (like those aliens in MIB). Finally, they will assemble an army of evil blood sucking wackos and start the war in their quest for world domination!!

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My version:
I was walking around the inside of Vashi station with friends. We bought tickets and headed towards the track. I wasn’t hungry so I had a ‘fountain coke’ while the others ate. I was addicted to chewing gum and used to ruminate like a cow all day long. I put a mentos in my mouth and began churning.

All of a sudden, I couldn’t draw breath and started choking. My brain started to have this burning sensation which I couldn’t get rid of. I spat out the mentos. It’s funny what dying can do to you, even thinking about it changes your perception towards life and all the wonderful things that come with it. I thought I was gonna die, but didn’t want to end my life as a goldfish gasping for breath. So I started hitting myself in the back to dislodge whatever it was that was blocking my air pipe. I could see a bunch of people surrounding me, but no one came forward to help.

A fellow was running at full speed to catch some train. As he was the nearest, I decided to ask for help. I caught him with my hand to stop him running. Turns out, he was pretty determined to board the incoming train, so he somehow got out of my grasp and went away. I was scared as a chicken, but still kept hitting myself. Finally, I  managed to dislodge the thing in my wind pipe because I could breath again!

Their version(s):
We were walking towards the exit on the railway station when suddenly, Adi started making weird, retching sounds.

“Screwing around, as always…”

Then he started hitting himself and doing this scary dance which scared the shit outta me.

“A ghost has possessed Adi!! Shit maaan, first time in my life…first time…”

I was numb, scared and confused and didn’t know the spell to cast away evil spirits.

“First thing that am gonna do after this is go to a tantrik and learn that friggin’ spell! okok, concentrate…”

What happened next was beyond my imagination. Adi held some poor guy by his neck and began squeezing it hard. “Jai hanuman gyangun sagar, jai kapish…”

We tried pulling him away but the ghost was strong and wouldn’t let go. We finally managed to pry them apart. The fellow was scared as hell and he made a dash for it, as far and as fast as his shaky little legs would allow.

“Holy cow, he’s hitting himself again! Do I call the Ambulance? Mental Hospital?? Tantrik? Nooono, the first thing would be to catch him before he reaches for anyone else’s neck…yeah I know how it’s done, they do it on animal planet all the time…”

We surrounded him from all sides, grabbed his head so he wouldn’t bite, then brought him face down on the floor and pinned him wwf style!! We finally managed to subdue him by sloshing lots of water and swearing loudly at the ghost in between bouts of violent thrashing, until it left.

Moral: Coke and Mentos combo, baaaad idea! But if done right, it can turn out to be deadly, untraceable and a downright awesome weapon against your arch enemies…

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My first real experience of the ‘Mumbai Local’ was travelling with my brother to Chembur some years ago. While coming back when the train arrived at Vashi, I was half asleep and at the door, waiting to alight. Da said “chal, we get down here”, so I did. I stepped out, but evidently forgot to notice that the train was still moving. I remember rolling over quite a few times, and when I had finally stopped, everything around was still shaking. The shocked and confounded expression of Dada’s face was something to look at. I got away with a fractured hand, and Da carried around that harrowed expression for the next couple of days.

I spent my college years travelling on a bike, so my first week at Wcities was a real eye-opener. I noticed that the only difference between the first and second class is the occasional waft of deodarant instead of sweat. The level of gossiping and bitching is certainly on par with the women’s compartment, if not more. For the first few days, I had to stop and ask at least a dozen people before taking any overbridge or boarding a train, more so owing to my confusion over similar sounding names like Govandi-Bhivandi and Gurgaon-Girgaon-Goregaon.

It’s also pretty irksome to have a window seat. The once on, once off strategy played by the rain means that I have to open, shut, then again open the window for the whole route. To avoid that, I put on my earphones and play dead i.e. act as if I am fast asleep, with sound effects. And it works most of the time…Hell Yeah! Being a regular commuter now, I have also developed a seventh sense, which is the art of gaining a place to sit in a crowded train. It basically involves the following 4 skills:

1) Observation: As soon as you enter the compartment, pick a corner where the probability of people getting off at the next few stations is high. This takes around a week’s practice but in the end, it’s all worth it.
2) Judgement: Observe and deeply study the body language of the people sitting. They tend to get a little shifty before getting up, maybe because they had worked hard to sit down in the first place. Also, they either start looking for their bags or an empty gap between the crowd, big enough to slip through.
3) Persuasion: Once your target is locked, stare at the person shamelessly and persistently until he/she relents and gets up.
4) Reflexes: Quickly step up and try to wiggle into the half empty space. Never wait for the fellow to stand fully as you may lose the opportunity to a more enterprising person.

In case of an argument, some people are really hesitant to throw punches and get into a fight, so to protect their honour, they get into a duel and start verbally abusing each other until one of them gives up or alights at a station. The other fellow is then the clear winner and begins ranting about his karate skills (relieved that it didn’t end up as fight club). But occasionally, you do get catfights which keep the whole compartment entertained for a good 15-20 minutes. Last week, a fight broke out at Kurla because one fellow accidentally poked the other in the face while boarding. I found that particularly funny becuase Kurla reminds me of stampeding cattle and there’s no way you can get in the train doing gentlemangiri. The fight calmed down, but not before one guy slapped the other in the face. After 10 minutes of calm silence, the other guy realized that he had been slapped, so he jerked his head, gave a loud hysteric war cry and charged like an angry bull. He was restrained by the others, but still kept shouting at the top of his lungs and finally, the Railway Police had to intervene to sort it out. Now that’s definitely better than reality TV.

Nowadays, I occasionally jump out of a moving train without fracturing my body parts. Travelling by the ‘Mumbai local’…it’s fast, it’s fun and highly addictive, once you get used to the brazen madness.

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